YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
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Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
incredible
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.