Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative