“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
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“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
But is it really??
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes