Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.