me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
You Might Also Like
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I’m not proud
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”