Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
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[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.