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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely