nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Breaking news:
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.