Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
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i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked