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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Did I do this right
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times