Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.