Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
You Might Also Like
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs