Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes