I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
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My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.