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Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away