making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
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Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb