Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie