Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through