I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?