A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.