My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.