self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
If looks could kill
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I don’t get marriage