Not😆🤣
You Might Also Like
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
translated into Canadian
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
More like Kate Missington.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.