Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
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Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other