When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?