It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!