Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!