me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
The devil.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝