Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Snapes on a plane.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
? 💀
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!