[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!馃槒
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I鈥檇 say that鈥檚 a good start
Make someone鈥檚 head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I should鈥檝e known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok鈥 totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine鈥ut that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Him: I鈥檓 drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I鈥檓 white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what鈥檚 it this time