My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Well well well…
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.