I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
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Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
couldn’t resist