Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus