Basketball
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Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Well well well…
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.