Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.