In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.