getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.