doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Still cracks me up
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
cats when you pet them too long:
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.