*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I want what they have
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman