The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Noah
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Always
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?