There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
PARKOUR
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Hmmmmm
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.