Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
SF is the wild wild west man
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
these two trucks have the same bed length
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
men what’s stopping you from looking like this