It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
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THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter