My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.