Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Realize this:
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
bears
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge