I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
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I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.