Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT