Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
You Might Also Like
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
*updates tinder bio*
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
lol
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg