Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
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I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?