I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die